Well, here I am another year has passed. The year 2007 is here, and some shit has truly went down. I gained weight, so I am thicker in the hips along with a little baby fat in the stomach. I am dealing with it, though. I also lost my best friend in the whole world to cancer, and I promise I never thought that she would leave me anytime soon. But she is gone, and I working my hardest to get over it. Every now and then I think about it, and I try my best not to cry. That was my girl. Everything at home is still the same with dealing with Steve. I don't ever think that is going to stop as long as he is married to my mom I have to deal with bullshit. Jr. is even starting to get just like him, and that is not good at all. He turned 13 in August, and now he thinks he is grown. I want to knock the hell out of him just like his dad, but I can't.
My body goes through things every now and then, but I haven't did anthing in awhile, but you can't somebody else that. They swear down that you are at school fucking your brains out, so he constantly trying to make me sound like a hoe. If it's not that I'm dealing it's the pregnant word. That drives me crazy because asshole knows that if I get pregnant for real he is going to be ready to kick my ass, and the dude who got me pregnant. I'm just happy to keep myself content. Hopefully, it stays that way.

~Nikki~

Oh my fucking goodness, here I am in the worse comprising position ever!! I am fucking 21 now, and my body is going insane. I need some satisfaction so bad right now that I feel like a desperate housewife. Jackson State has become sooo fucking boring to me, and I guess I know the reason why. For one thing, I dont have a lot of friends here, and to tell you the truth I dont want a lot of friends here.They are all fucking messy, and I am being so fucking honest. Another thing I cant fuck nobody like I want to here either, ya know, when I was at USM no problem. It was on, ya girl could do whatever the fuck that was going on in my mind, but now dont nobody knows how to handle a girl like you. I'm tired of being fucking HORNy, I need it now. It's been too long.

-Baby Girl-

As you can see, I haven't been writing as I should. I seriously don't know what is going on with me lately because I have been acting differently. I am no longer as nice as I use to be, that is something that I'm to realize right off the bat. The truth is I really don't give a fuck either because I'm sick and tired of trying to be nice to people anyway. That way I ask is it the same, and the answer is "no." Last semester, I was a little nicer, but this semester I really do not give a rat ass. I'm the same way about ppl pledging now; I really don't give a fuck. People think that you supposed to care because you are hopping around, sitting on a certain bench, wearing a certain jacket. Okay, so what?! If ever pledge, I'm going to continue to be the same person I have been all my life, and nobody is going to change me except one person. That person is ME, ya heard me. If you got a problem with me, then FUCK YOU!!!!!!!!!

-Baby Girl (aka) Nikki-

Today is one of those days where I don't feel like writing down any of my thoughts with words in a form of a paragraph, but more like the form of a poem. The poem really doesn't have a title to it, so I named it as "Untitled."

"Untitled"

Yesterday I saw the rain and started to cry.
But then I stopped, and I asked myself "why?"

What is happiness and why is it so hard to find?
Why can't the sun just continue to be bright and
shine?

I am constantly on a journey to find out who I
want to be. But everytime I look in the mirror; tears
start to float like the Red Sea.

Tomorrow is another day to find that real woman
inside. Until then I will just live my life in stride along
with pride.

"Smile for God is watchin' you."

-Nikki-

Well, as you can see this hotgirl is back at Jackson State. To be honest with you, when I walked through the door I swear it felt so awkward that I didn't know what to do or say. I mean all I could do was look around; I truly did not think I would be miss Jewel this much but I really do. One of my best friend's is gone again, and all I can do is try my best not to shed tears. The new semester starts Thrusday, and I'm constantly asking myself am I ready? I really hope I am because last semester I really worked hard to get where I did. Even though Jewel is not here in person, she constantly calls me almost everyday to make sure that I'm up, or to let me know how she and Kentrall is doing. I know she is going to stay in touch with me. That's my friend, my big sister!!!

I know for a fact that I'm not going to be able to write what I want to say over the Christmas Break, so I am going to try and say most of the things here. You know these last two semesters have been very crazy for me. I mean I have been through more things here than I have been at Southern MS. The thing I did realize was up there guys did not care about how you look when it came to the physical aspects. I mean in looks I was very gorgeous, lol, not to sound too conceited, or whatever. I had guys there, and I loved it. I was a very sexual person, and I wasn't afraid to say that I was. The boyfriend that I had there never got a chance to find out only because we went to different schools. But at Jackson State, it is so different. I mean all I get is a "Hello, how you doing?' I might get a hug every now and then, and don't get me wrong they do be fine, lol!! :) It just that some of the guys here are either thuggish, or too fine for their own good that you don't know if they would like you or not. Then you have to watch out because half of them are gay as well, and they either could be showing it or being "down low brothers." I mean when guys say things about me like this guy did tonight about how bad I was, all I could do was laugh. I used to hear that a lot when I was at USM, but the thing is I'm not bad; I just like to express myself in a way that most females won't.

The thing is I don't care about being a girl with a disability anymore; I am a person inside and out. I have came to a college, and I have met people who let me do whatever the fuck I want to do. I have been caught dancing outside on the plaza with a guy dancing behind me. I have went clubbing, and had guys asking to buy me drinks, asking me to dance. Something I can say I never had at USM because I had so-called friends up there who thought that I didn't need to go clubbing when I'm a woman just like the rest of you. I got tattoos on my own without permission, and at one time I even had my nose pierced. Some people might say I try to put on a front, so I can make them like me. Truth is I don't give a damn if you like me or not. Because at the end of day, I'm still who I am. One thing that I like is the fact that I have met a very good friend. She makes me laugh when I'm down, and she evens give me her shoulder when I need to cry. To be honest, I am so glad that I have came to JSU because I have learned so much about myself. It is a blessing to me to be able to get an education, and to enjoy myself the way that I want to. There are somethings that I am still going through like seizures, but they are not stopping me.

This semester is over for me, and this year will be over soon as well. I have made a promise to myself that I am going to start the year off right. I am still going to be the same ole crazy ass Nikki, but my priorities are going to be in the right order. I'll be turning a new year as well, so I also want to show that I am an adult, and not an immature child like certain people be when they turn a certain age. I do hope that my seizures at least ease down to where I'll be able to get my driver's license and hopefully a car. Being 21 without a ride won't be as much fun. I also want to find someone who will love and treat me right, and if not I will be okay in that department. I did it before, and I know that I can do it again. I thought it was hard being single, but come to find out I like it. I got to look without worrying is that what you call cheating? Besides, I'm a person who loves to flirt anyway. As I wrote earlier, that is just me. Goodbye to this semester, and goodbye to this year. Hello, 2007!!!!!! Holla.
~Baby Girl~

You know I really want to be happy by a man, but I have a strange feeling that it might not happen for me. I don't think that I'm an ugly female by no means at all, it is just the fact that I am tired of being played with. You know sometimes I sit here and listen to some females say that men hurt that they decided to go gay or bisexual. Lol, I don't plan on going down that road at all. I don't have no problem with lesbians and fags, but I just don't see myself going there because I've been hurt way too much. Another thing I just don't understand is that why are some men so fuckin' stupid and immature? I met this guy who is 24, you know suppose to be a grown ass man, but he acts like a sarcastic child. I mean everytime you say something to him, this nigga always want to come back at you with a smart remark. I mean I thought I really like this person, but now I realized that it was just a physical attraction. He should have never opened up his fuckin' mouth because I would have been a lot happier. I am just tired of all the stupid bullshit, but I know my real man is out there. I'm just gonna have to be a single woman until he comes and rescues me. Holla.
~Baby Girl~

Well, here I am again sitting on my computer typing down what is going through my head, hmm...it is so funny because I read this book today, and I couldn't do anything, but laugh. I enjoy these type of books everytime I read them, and I plan on becoming a writer exactly like this. I don't see anything wrong with a person, especially a woman wanting to express her sexual atticts. To me it is nice to be able to put in words exactly what you are feeling and how you are feeling. If I wanted to write about having someone touch me nice and slow, in a poem or a novel that is me. That is why I like the author Zane so very much because she is not afraid to write what she wants to write. She is the type of author who likes to make men and women feel good, and that is how it's supposed to be. Yesterday, I wrote a poem called "Temptation", and today I'm adding on here "Satisfaction".

"Satisfaction"

Your body is hot and ready for the luxious body part that has been created for a man to use. You are constantly thinkin about all the freaky things that you want to do. Hmm...somethings are so freaky that you want to do that it will constantly have your baby comin back for more and more. He walks in your door, and when he does you stop him dead in his tracks. You give him the biggest tongue kiss that he has ever received in his whole life.

You move your hands to his shirt, and you slowly unbutton each button nice and slow. Then, you slowly slide down as you kiss each nipple on his chest, and then you stop in front of what is known as his "manhood." You have a can of whipped creme beside you, so you pick it up, put some in your mouth, and begin to satisfy him in a way that he never felt before. He is standin up, but you are satisfying him so good that he is startin to tremble to the point where he might fall.

After you satisfy him, it is his turn to satisfy you. He picks you up and puts you against the wall. He kisses you nice and slow as he tells you that you smell just like strawberries. He explores your "goodies" while makin your eyes roll in the back of your head. Your body starts to tremble, and you start to flow like a ocean or the Red Sea. Now, you both are satisfied with a smile on both of your faces, you get in the shower with a wonderful embrace.

Today I just feel like writing poetry instead of writing what is going on in my head....

Sitting in my room constantly trying to fight the urge.
Fightin the temptation that I have which is to come to you
and make sweet love to you. Why do I feel the way that I do,
I know you have a woman and I have a man, but I still want you.

I keep telling myself that it would be extremely wrong if I
go with my feeling. But late at night when I close my eyes all
I see is you strokin me up and down with your big strong hands.
I wake up from my sleep, and I have sweat runnin down my body
cause I'm burnin up from thinkin about your touch.

Temptation...ooh constantly drivin me insane. What is a girl suppose
to do? I have a man who loves me, but I still wish that with all my heart
and soul that it was you. Damn, why did you have to approach me the way
you did? Why couldn't you have just left me alone? Now, I'm constantly sittin
in my home wishin that it was just you and me all alone.

~Baby Girl~

Today was actually a good for me, and I really felt like I needed this day too. I went to my doctor's appointment, and I got some good results. I mean my dosage does have to be increased, so I won't have anymore seizures but it's worth it if I want to stay the fuck alive. (which I do, lol) I also went shopping, which was fun. I bought some nice for myself and I spent some money on my mother. After that I came back to the school, and had to go to class. :( Once class was over I spent most of my time in the computer lab trying to finish, but I didn't get a chance to finish. I will be over tomorrow. I almost lost my phone when I came back to the room (lol), but luckily someone found it for me. Then, my roommate laughed at me because my stomach was tearing up, which was not funny at all. I stayed in the bathroom, lol!! BUBBLE GUTS!!! I hope I have the same kind of fun I did today because I really enjoyed myself. Until tomorrow.
~Baby Girl~